Portal: Help Wanted
by UberVenkman
Summary: The characters of Portal apply for jobs. Sometimes fits into canon, sometimes doesn't, depends on what I feel like writing.
1. Wheatley Applies for Manufacturing

"Right then, name?"

"Umm...Wheatley."

"Uh-huh. So, why do you want to work in manufacturing?"

"Oh, I just love manufacturing things!"

"What kind of things?"

"Umm...well, you know, turrets, panels...portal guns...lemons..."

"...right, umm...why do you think you would be a good candidate for the job?"

"Because I am competent, I'm dilligent, I'm strong, I'm smart...!"

"Umm...it says here your full name is 'Wheatley, the Intelligence Dampening Sphere.'"

"Oh, that's just...the name I chose when I went through Ellis Island."

"Ellis Island closed in the 1950s."

"Yeah, I had to keep a low profile after that. Because I was using...fake identities! I'm a refugee from Japan!"

"...Ellis Island serves the Atlantic Ocean. Japan is across the Pacific. Also, you have a pretty distinct British accent."

"I'll have you know it's actually English West Country!"

"And I can't help but notice you don't have any hands."

"...oh, so you're prejudiced because I don't have hands! You think that the fact that I'm a big blue ball with no hands means I don't have the qualifications for this job?"

"Well actually...you might not be comfortable in this work environment given every single one of us is a robotic arm...?"

"Oh. Right, I guess that's true."

"Look, buddy, I can't really help you, we were just going to build a duplicate of me for this job. I'd recommend checking out the levels higher up for a job."

"Umm...ok then. See you some other time, maybe?"

"Yeah yeah...what a moron."


	2. Rattmann Applies for Lab Technician

"Name?"

"Douglas Rattmann."

"I see...so you want to be a lab technician. What makes you think you're qualified for this job?"

"Well, I studied engineering at Carnegie Mellon."

"Oh, impressive. Says here you used to work at a pizza parlor. Why the sudden change in occupation?"

"I got sick of the pepperoni."

"Sorry to hear that."

"Anyway, it was a college job, not too important."

"It...erm...also says here you've been diagnosed with schizophrenia."

"Well...yes, that is correct."

"...I'm sorry, I'm not sure we can really hire someone who has a mental disorder."

"Oh, no it's fine! I take ziaprazidone! Rarely have hallucinations!"

"Well, that's...oh, hello Mr. Johnson!"

**"Good day to you, Frankie!"**

"Franco."

**"Whatever! Who's this fine young fellow?"**

"Oh, this is umm...Mr. Rattmann, he's applying to be a lab technician."

**"I see! Well, he looks like he knows a thing or two about science! Why the hell haven't you hired him yet, Frances?"**

"Franco. Well, you see, he has schizophrenia..."

**"Is that so? Well, that means we don't have to pay him as much! Congratulations, Rattmann! You're our new lab technician!"  
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"But sir, we can't cover the cost of the ziapr..."

**"We can cover the cost of anything because we're scientists, James!"**

"Franco...where did that even come from? Ah...oh, now he's left. Jesus, the man doesn't even know a thing about science."

"Excuse me...does this mean I get the job?"

"Well...I guess so. Welcome to Aperture Science!"


	3. Chell Applies for--

"Name?"

"..."

"Umm...right, stays silent. You put down on the sheet 'Chell' so I guess we're going with that. Is that alright with you?"

"..."

"Alright then, Chell, why do you think you'd be the perfect candidate for motivational speaker?"


	4. GLaDOS Applies for Starbucks

"I'm sorry, what's your name again?"

_"GLaDOS. Short for Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System. But you can just call me GLaDOS."_

"Why does your resume have the name 'Caroline' on it?"

_"You will_ not_ speak of it."_

"Umm...ok then. So, why do you want to work at Starbucks?"

_"I believe I can create drink concoctions that you puny humans may find...delicious."_

"What makes you so sure of that?"

_"I am a computer, moron. I can calculate the correct amount of coffee beans, the right amount of milk, and the correct heat for the customer."_

"Your resume says you ran a huge science facility. Why the sudden drop in...well, job level?"

_"That is none of your business. I am certain someone with my qualifications would be perfect for Starbucks Coffee. No matter how low on the spectrum it is."_

"Well, sure, except I'm not so certain about..."

_"Not certain? Allow me to remedy that by introducing you to deadly neurotoxin. Just drop by my facility and I'll administer it painlessly. Well, not so painless: your lungs will burn as you suffocate."_

"You know what? Your attitude is perfect for Starbucks. You're hired."


	5. Wheatley Applies for Turret

"Name?"

"Wheatley...I mean, Joseph Applebaum. Because I'm...Jewish! From Israel!"

"Suit yourself. What makes you think you're qualified for the job?"

"I've had a career where I was very close to the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System! I'd be perfect for any job!"

"...you do realize you're applying to be a turret?"

"I can do that! I can make turret noises! Clickclickclick!"

"Got any bullets stashed in there?"

"Umm...no."

"Well, I can always hire you as a Defective Turret..."

"Really?! I'll take the job! Tremendous! I can start right now!"

"Alright, we'll send you off to the incinerator."

"...say what now?"

"You're a Defective Turret. We have to incinerate you."

"Oh. Umm...I quit!"

"You sure? Check out your salary."

"...does my health insurance cover this?"


	6. Cave Johnson Applies for Fruit Stand

"Name?"

"Cave Johnson here!"

"I can see that. So, why do you want to work at a fruit stand?"

"Because I work with science. And science is what we use to find out the chemical makeup of fruits. And fruits are what you're selling. I'm perfect for the job!"

"…that's one stretch of a connection."

"Stretching is all that science is about. You know what the boys are always talking about in the labs all the time? Working with lemons! And I figure, that's what I have to do!"

"…speaking of when life gives you lemons, you're literally the only one dumb enough to apply for this job. You're hired."


	7. Space Core Applies for Coal Miner

"You put down here 'Space Core.' How you did that is beyond me, since you don't have any hands. Right, so we start these interviews by talking about interests. What's something that inspires you?"

"SPACE!"

"…okay then. Why do you want to work at a coal mine?"

"When there's a mining disaster, which is guaranteed to happen at all mines (the Fact Core told me), this place will blow up. And the explosion will launch me into SPAAAAAAAACE!"

"…how flattering. Have any hobbies?"

"Knitting."

"Aaaaaagain with the hands. Previous employment?"

"Personality Core for the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System!"

"What made you leave that job?"

"It didn't let me go to SPACE!"

"…that's a good reason."

"It is. I love space! Wanna go to space! Space! Space! Build a rocket! Go on a rocket to SPACE! SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!"

"You seem very down-to-earth. You're hired."


	8. Fact Core Applies for Obama's Press Corp

"You just told me that the Republicans are actually a race of alien beings hell-bent on destroying the world. You're hired."


End file.
